i have an odd mixture of loneliness and after christmas depression and the promise of a new year spinning inside. i just realized how much i miss funneling my meanderings into this journal. i don't really know why i stopped. i guess i feel like being here is symbolically keeping one of my feet in the past and that leads to guilt. that is silly though, no need to tell me.
i am often enough what i hate in other people. what i bitch about. what i scoff at. what i try and distance myself from. i guess that's true of a lot of people. i mention it because i am homesick tonight for a time when i understood. when possibility was the purest of substance. when what i had was more than i thought i'd ever get and the future was just a big bonus that couldn't go wrong if i tried. maybe i am just stuck in a moment that i can only see fact drowning in face compared to belief. maybe i should have asked for faith on christmas.
actually my christmas, especially the week before, was really special. i was put in charge of fixing up the downstairs living room so we could have a nice holiday dinner. i got to rearrange furniture and buy new curtains and steal cool stuff from other rooms. this helped me exercise my poor kid demons from my childhood. every year my mom would promise we'd fix whatever apartment we were in so we could host our family's christmas dinner but it never happened. this year it happened.
anyway... i am trying to soothe myself from a certain loneliness i cannot ever seem to save myself from. i feel shitty at this moment so i guess just take all this as a by product of that. i am at a place in my life where i can stand back, use my head and understand that the next step is to turn my passions into a bridge that will deliver me to the flip side of problems. i understand the concept. it's even been quite awhile since i stumbled upon defining it. i just haven't found that perfect formula. the right mix.
my point is: i hit the ceiling of whatever stage of growing i was in. so i'm sitting on the floor, pieces of glass strewn about, sharp and shiny, feared but inspiring. the yin. the yang. and i'm ok. of course i'm ok. this is the first ceiling bust through i've been able to appreciate in my life. there is ample perspective. ample resources. i'm fucking smart in a self defined way. i've let go of not being where i am "supposed" to be. i'm drawing the map now. and i'm the better and happier for it. i guess i am just not used to being where i am. often i feel too calm and in response i pile on busy work. and then i get wrapped up in meeting demands that have nothing to do with what i really am working for.
like going back to school. for real yo. in 30 days i shall walk into the scary world of the classroom. i will be armored to an almost immobile degree. but when i walk in the door instantly each crust of iron shall fade to dust. and not that anyone will be able to tell but i'll be humiliated and naked and insecure almost to the point of incoherence. the thing that's different about me now is that i will still go in. i'll still find a way to be what i want to be. this is a skill increasing in strength everyday.
i mean i am a bizarre person so you have to understand the nature of my victories. i'm shy. my talents don't really afford me too much social grace. i have a gag reflex when it comes to the phone. and i want to eb able to do things properly therefore not admitting when i won't be able to. so yay for me because i'm not one of those stubborn people who can't ask for help, i just rarely realize i need it until it's too late. i gotta start believing more deeply that it's never too late but that's easier said than done. i am infamous for not communicating properly. i let little bumps in the road set me much too far off course. i let time go by. i mourn distance but somehow nurture it as well. the one sure disease i know i have in life is that i get in my own way a lot. without my of an explanation i can only say that i find it impossible to keep more than one deep relationship going at the same time. and the irony is that if you ask me what i want in life, having several truly deep relationships is in the serious top 3. and doors are open all around me. myspace alone has thrown me a hand full of the past including a cousin i should really try to strengthen ties with. even doors that seem closed are probably still open.
it took one miserable failure of a friendship that had every possible odd in it's favor and an email from my favorite aunt (who i wasn't talking to) to make me understand that i need to focus on a bigger picture. my picture is pretty decent for 25 years old but the big nagging hole of loneliness is my lack of friends and family. so i'm saying it out loud and will definitely not just leave it there. i never truly did.