6/16/08

this is not a war

before this all fades i wanted to say that the only thing i feel compelled to apologize for is this: i'm sorry for convincing you to come.

you resisted. a lot if i remember correctly. speaking in terms of a friendship you were probably right to say no. you talk about struggling to trust yourself and i can have the opposite feeling about myself, sometimes i trust myself too much. i trusted my instinct that meeting was right and important and that no matter what we would be ok. i guess we are but in the most separate of ways. that was never the intention. you talk about how it was all a fairy tale and i just hope that's your way of taking a pill. as numb as i've felt necessary to become i'd never look at you as insignificant.

i wasn't prepared but not for lack of trying. she just couldn't look me in the eye. she says there were shoes she couldn't fill. she thought so little of me right from the start and i thought so much of her; no matter where we went and how we got to where we got that will always be the truth. the only shoes you had to fill were your own and you literally came with a pair two sizes too large.

it was hard to let my guard down because i met you with none. it was hard to let you know that i was devastated because everything always seemed to revolve around you in such a negative way. you seemed fragile and a mess. i had no idea you trusted yourself so little. how could i depend on you, confide in you if you seemed to be ready to break at any second? if you had just told me what was going on before you came i would have been more prepared. i was so relieved that we would both be here to support one another. i got the short end of that stick.

if only i wasn't expecting the pieces of a puzzle i could never walk away from. pieces so strong that even years more of rift would not force apart. the depth. the liquid sex. if only i wasn't expecting to meet my infatuation. soul fire. the reason i made a circle. the reason i believed in it. i couldn't find a single strand of familiarity. i found you disorienting.

it's like you stepped onto 42nd street and every single word we'd ever shared melted into the asphalt. i brought you home and showed the sky i spent hours painting and you shrugged. i told you i wanted to finish it with you. there was such a void of reaction that i could never get used to. the sky is white now and other people live under it.

like the second day you were here we went to the mall and god that sure made one hell of an impact. people stared at me in a way i never really experienced before and that was scary. and i wanted to talk about it but you shut the door and left me on the other side. you decided that i thought you were disgusting and disappointing. i felt so betrayed. i am not some skinny stuck up bitch. i know exactly what it is like to weigh 300 pounds and i know that those pounds are nothing compared to the weight of the baggage that comes along with it. we could have laughed about it. we could have stood together. you put a wall there and after awhile i decided not to help move it.

we all go through bad patches. i know you wanted to be seen in a certain way but it didn't happen exactly as you wanted. i'll never understand why you didn't foresee that and why you couldn't find a way to adjust your wants for the sake of your needs. you were never happy here and that hurt me. i tried to make you happy and it didn't work and that made me angry. after awhile i resented the responsibility of something i could never be good at. you gave me a lot to resent in a very short time.

i don't think your expectations were false. if you expected something then you expected it. asking for what you wanted would have gone a long way. for every day aside from the first week i thought you didn't like me and i treated you accordingly. because i could see through your masks so easily i deeply resented you simply for having the audacity not to like me since i was obviously the one truer to form. we talked about a lot in the months before you got on the bus and one thing i was worried about was the possibility that you were coming to meet me with the intention to punish me for the past. i don't believe you had that intention but in the end punishment is exactly what i got.

i'm still a lot i cannot say. i'm still perplexed. i went after what i wanted and in the process lost more i was ever willing to part with.

as always you make me question the world.

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