thank you for writing and giving me words, hard. i am thankful each and every time.
my reason were split between rescuing you and rescuing me. as for love, i honestly didn't know. i was very committed to the open door and for probably longer than you realized. pre arrival plans were so elaborate... scrubbed every surface, bought new lamps, rushed to paint a sky. it was never complete but meant to be finished together. it always hurt, long after you were gone.
that was the thing i'm unsure about your understanding... everyday i woke and i made excuses to myself, to lis and even right to your face. when she first came into my apartment she was tired from the trip, of course, but she'll be excited to explore my environment tomorrow. she's overwhelmed by this new place but soon she'll get comfy and the elements of a world we've only talked about will open. she goes on journeys every weekend; well good, shes probably found a footing and soon she'll invite me and we can draw the path anew.
i was always waiting for the familiar satisfaction.
maybe it sounds weird but i was actually looking forward to your infamous untouchable though it never did manifest itself as i thought. big chunks of you were missing and the harder i tried to trace the line i once knew the more you responded as if i was hurting you. when we went through our lists of the dangers of what if i thought we solved the breakdown. talk about foolishness. you didn't come to punish me, i know that in my heart, but at times it seemed to pour retribution. at times we both play blind and when we were at our physical closest we gravely did it at the same time.
why were or are you horrified by love? that's very hard for me to wrap myself around. i do understand not wanting to settle but if you cannot impart yourself, if you never really let go, if you never fall you'll never have more than that. we're just different i guess. love gives me faith and a goal, it helps my stride. you were so afraid to connect with me but then you seemed to hate me for not being connected. that was a place near impossible to move from. i never declared that there was nothing more than a friendship. i never said no. i didn't know that you accepting the ticket was the last time you would act with belief in us.
to be honest i do still have a bad taste in my mouth and i want it to go away harder than i want to be anything else right now. i have ideas but the danger makes me shy. and i want to ask you questions but i know i must wait. i still have the inclination to run at 60, along the way is the only time i will survey the space. not smart. patience needs to be easier dammit; come in pill form.
sometimes i wished you drank or smoked more or whatever, just something to loosen up. it only seemed to make you inwardly sad. there was so much sorrow to you. i think you weren't used to the full lens, the full sight of my life. i get that.
i'm sorry too because all in all i feel like i should have known.
i cut my hair but it looks the same. and that is okay because that's the mood i am in. what colors are you wearing? today i am grey, navy blue and coral.