7/27/09

exhale

thank you for writing and giving me words, hard. i am thankful each and every time.

my reason were split between rescuing you and rescuing me. as for love, i honestly didn't know. i was very committed to the open door and for probably longer than you realized. pre arrival plans were so elaborate... scrubbed every surface, bought new lamps, rushed to paint a sky. it was never complete but meant to be finished together. it always hurt, long after you were gone.

that was the thing i'm unsure about your understanding... everyday i woke and i made excuses to myself, to lis and even right to your face. when she first came into my apartment she was tired from the trip, of course, but she'll be excited to explore my environment tomorrow. she's overwhelmed by this new place but soon she'll get comfy and the elements of a world we've only talked about will open. she goes on journeys every weekend; well good, shes probably found a footing and soon she'll invite me and we can draw the path anew.

i was always waiting for the familiar satisfaction.

maybe it sounds weird but i was actually looking forward to your infamous untouchable though it never did manifest itself as i thought. big chunks of you were missing and the harder i tried to trace the line i once knew the more you responded as if i was hurting you. when we went through our lists of the dangers of what if i thought we solved the breakdown. talk about foolishness. you didn't come to punish me, i know that in my heart, but at times it seemed to pour retribution. at times we both play blind and when we were at our physical closest we gravely did it at the same time.

why were or are you horrified by love? that's very hard for me to wrap myself around. i do understand not wanting to settle but if you cannot impart yourself, if you never really let go, if you never fall you'll never have more than that. we're just different i guess. love gives me faith and a goal, it helps my stride. you were so afraid to connect with me but then you seemed to hate me for not being connected. that was a place near impossible to move from. i never declared that there was nothing more than a friendship. i never said no. i didn't know that you accepting the ticket was the last time you would act with belief in us.

to be honest i do still have a bad taste in my mouth and i want it to go away harder than i want to be anything else right now. i have ideas but the danger makes me shy. and i want to ask you questions but i know i must wait. i still have the inclination to run at 60, along the way is the only time i will survey the space. not smart. patience needs to be easier dammit; come in pill form.

sometimes i wished you drank or smoked more or whatever, just something to loosen up. it only seemed to make you inwardly sad. there was so much sorrow to you. i think you weren't used to the full lens, the full sight of my life. i get that.

i'm sorry too because all in all i feel like i should have known.

i cut my hair but it looks the same. and that is okay because that's the mood i am in. what colors are you wearing? today i am grey, navy blue and coral.

3 comments:

  1. i have to be taped for a speech today so i am wearing all black. black long sleeved shirt and black pants, i even wear button downs now.. just not today.

    i'm wearing etnies on my feet and my hair was cut about a month ago almost like it was in nyc. i have tears in my eyes right now, it's hard to feel the keys, but everything in my body is screaming right now.

    just wanted to let you know i was here. i'll have words after speech class.. this is the time between speech and math and my speech i fear is going to go horribly today.

    if i don't pass this math class that i just practically flung myself out of i cannot go to school.. i'm so tied in knots but i will respond to what you wrote after class.

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  2. taped? eek that's scary. i hope it went well. i'm sorry you are so stressed over your math class. does your school offer tutoring? maybe that might help. does your school have online classes? maybe you could take it online if you fail and have someone do it for you, or help. not like you need fractions for your major. i dunno... just trying to help.

    i feel like a dick for crowding your morning with my thoughts.

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  3. yr not a dick, (though that made me laugh). i always wanna know your thoughts. i think, in fact i know i was hyper sensistive this morning. my speech teacher is a bitch and only adds to the nervousness of presenting.

    yeah they are taped and we have to watch them and rate ourselves and turn them in. lol.

    as far as math i'm going to try to save myself by going to the learning center and trying to start to understand this shit from scratch.

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