7/16/09

wisdom tooth

my wisdom tooth is probably filed somewhere in that creepy dentist's office. i should have asked to take it home with me, it caused enough pain so i definitely earned it, but i was still a tad loopy from the gas and forgot. the space left is still cracked and kind of soft. i avoid touching it. the first day it bled and i almost chocked on gauze. the second day i yearned for a hamburger but settled for a buttery mashed yam. the third day my jaw finally cracked and the fourth day i stopped counting. my gums on that side of my mouth are still sore so i chew gingerly but otherwise i'm quite recovered.

me too. i wonder much longer than it takes to read the words. and i read them like i watch my favorite movies, intent on finding a new detail or a further thought to muse.

we are not imaginary
unimaginable.
there is no abortion
inseparable.

somewhere between a state of striving and peace is when i am most myself. most days i am trying to keep that balance. i'm dealing with my addictions. i document my good choices, analyze the bad. i'm not sure i will ever be satisfied with my life to the point where i will feel done or accomplished enough. and that's ok because let's say i was done with life, well then i would be dead. i've reconciled a lot... i accept that it's all supposed to feel this way.

where are you going? where do your thoughts look toward?
babies. a jude or an oliver. a dylan or a jane. i want to make a family. buy an old brownstone in philadelphia. play tennis on the weekends. finish my degree. branch out into a store front, owls and ikea and bright green popping out everywhere. to feel like wearing skirts again. to grow a garden, tuesdays with earth under my nails. and my camera goes everywhere.

when i am alone i've returned to some pleasures left aside; self portrait, downloading + mixing + exploring music, journaling, cooking. i have a new art room so i'm spending a lot of time structuring that, throwing out clutter and such. i painted it a color called extra virgin olive oil. it's the color of energy and life, somewhere between an acid green and a warm yellow. it's neon without the noise and i adore it. every time i feel off center or unnecessarily sad i just lean on one of the walls and take those big breaths. works like a charm. the walls are pretty bare though. i'm in no rush to fill them up. that's something that's changed in me. i'll always be part lightening but some things are best made slow. not only do i appreciate quality but i'm really interested in cultivating it. the arch of growing up has become more subtle.

i miss the music too. i miss the exercise. the search for lyrics i can swear i've bore. the world can be so flat.

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