live journal

once i kissed a man pretending to be a woman. tasted about the same.
once i ditched an interview for anne sexton and a small sliver of floor.

once i gave a book meant for you to someone else and now i want it back in the worst way. i don't even remember the title or the author. the book literally fell on me at barnes and noble. it was light turquoise blue and the first few pages were about the ocean and stones and all things reminiscent of you. i made myself forget. i induced old age.

what do you do when your violence is only seen as calm?


  1. its funny though cause you make tapes. i don't write notes to myself i just try to remember things, not sure how well that works out though.

    i think i asked you one or more of those questions. if you had a glimpse of yourself when you were back in the time you wrote that entry i wonder what would be different and what would say the same.

    either way your writing is evocative to me. no matter the topic it always makes me feel something. it never makes me feel flat or disconnected. the trouble i have had though has been corresponding sometimes i am wordless which is different because on paper i seem to always have words.

    i have a hard time thinking about my violence, and maybe that part of the problem is, is that i interenalize much of myself so all these little explosions happen at once inside and i become shaky and my mouth trips me up because i have a hard time expressing violence.. it goes off sometimes all at once.. all inside, part hidden. i feel out of sorts when i'm angry and i don't like showing that emotion. there is much of myself that i don't like showing other people. i guess its because i'm all suspicious and untrusting on what they could do with the information and how they can evoke more of a reaction to where i lose control.

    does that make sense?
    i'm uncertain but the more i thought about it the more it seemed too.

  2. makes me wish i knew the book.
    + anne sexton is love.

    do you remember on my birthday when i was there when i went to union square?

    i had to go to that bookstore. i sat for hours actually trying to find a center, trying to calm down and trying to summon some type of normalacy..

    i remember you talking about bookstores before i met you, i had a corner and a lap full of books sitting on the floor, i read anne sexton that day too. i was just trying to draw some type of balance for all the things i couldn't say. seems i went there in a trance.

    i know i was an idiot, in many ways.

  3. reading my journal was hard simply because i was quite incoherent at times. and young. i think i am now a little more concrete in what i say which sometimes is wooden, but at least i know in 3 years i'll understand what i was trying to say. i want to rewrite a bunch of stuff.

    analyzing you in any way only got me into to trouble so i will take a pass on the last paragraph, however it does make sense.

    i wish i knew it too but there is nothing to search with.

    i remember more than i want to sometimes but i guess that is also true for you.

    when i moved here, among other things, i felt supremely awkward. browsing bookstores made me feel ok about that. in some ways i was so much braver than i am today. and now i understand myself. there does not seem to be mercy in the trade-offs.

  4. i agree, you are a lot more solid now, reading back i think that your writing has changed to for the better.

    analyzing is trouble. i started doing that yesterday and had to stop myself. if i analyze it will be non productive.

    i was entertaining the idea of starting a seperate blog to go through and put every poem or everything that i have ever written that has been meaningful to me. i need to start sorting.. i think i can start somewhat today. i've been spending time with my grandmother trying to show her facebook and ill try to figure out that backpack website too. ill make the blog visible on my profile page here. i guess i should start in order, i have poems and writing from the 90's i hope they are still saved on the one site.