7/20/09

winter

i'm going to do this, season by season.

i burned it the second i was done reading it. what a sting of a messenger you choose to deliver your note, splendid choice for what i am sure you meant to make me feel. i was surprised that you didn't say good bye in person or that you didn't at least give me the note yourself. and then immediately felt stupid for even being able to be surprised by you anymore. i never got used to the discord. so, i saw you get in the cab. i thought seriously about racing ahead of you to the city just so i could confront you, as a last ditch effort before i read the letter and in a i'm going to spit on you way after. it was always hard to accept that each day you lived in my life not much i could do would offer render.

it's hard to find the strands...

that winter was kind of bleak. the loss of what could have been took it's toll little by little like a ship and an iceberg poking holes. i'm sure we both rode the same sorta revolution of thoughts and whatnot.

as far as my life... that apartment just depressed me. winter cold has always been particularly significant living in this house because the asshole ruler of the thermostat decides that no one needs heat but him. little things that bobbed in and out of bother grew large and oppressive. wood paneling was suffocating. there was too much physical mass which kept me in an emotional state of ignore it or cry. i'm really affected by my environment. the basement was a promise still on it's way to keep.

relations with lis's family just blew up. i got really fed up with being blamed by her father for issues he himself instilled in his family. some really silly episodes went on. omg there was this time that kiana was supposed to empty out this room. she set a time and then blew it off which caused a domino reaction of backed up plans for everyone. we went downstairs to talk to her and she was in one of her moods. of course her daddy made excuses for her, the whole bit. long story short all the tension made lis cry because she felt in the middle. she was technically on my side but she has trouble breaking from her dad. so she's crying in the kitchen and i know it's because he's being a dick in the situation. i am standing 10 feet away fuming in my head. he walks in and is like hugging her, and he doesn't really it's because of him, and she is too upset to say anything. so i go over, take her hand and say we should go upstairs. i said it wasn't fair for him to be "comforting" her when she's actually upset over his behavior. i just couldn't let it go down like that, you know? HE FLIPPED OUT. i mean some psycho hysterical shit you see in movies. booming yelling, rolling on the floor, spitting. freaked everyone out.

this all left me in a slow sort of rage for a few months and no distraction worked. i was desperate to move, realign my energy, drive the business. when that mind frame creeps in i know i should just throw myself outside, commune with trees, that sort of thing. unfortunately that never seems to happen and i went underground in a way. i cut communication with the outside world because i knew if i talked long enough i'd leave. i'd walk right out of my heart. there were many fronts to this war. i dug a hole and prayed for spring.

2 comments:

  1. my letter..
    right now i don't remember what i wrote but i know it was an asshole/coward thing to do but i just felt like at the time i was desperate to reach you somehow and the way i went about it was the wrong way.

    using kiana as a messenger was not an intentional thing to hurt you. it was stupid and i realize how that made everything worse now.

    i wish there was no letter, i know wishing doesnt change it. i just couldn't say goodbye. i didn't want too. the whole thing felt like i was severing off my arm or a major part of myself. when i don't know you, when you are not in my world sometimes i feel like a part of me is dead or very much asleep.

    anyway you probably don't want to hear all this and i don't blame you if you don't. i dunno.

    this is unrelated but that pandora website is intuitive. the sundays - wild horses just came on, for some reason this song always makes me tear up.

    it sounds like living there was an awful time for you, & i know i didn't help matters much. i guess i didn't realize how bad it was and things have a way of totally going to shit.

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  2. i don't remember the words either. you talked about filling shoes and there were a lot of nicely veiled fuck you's. (which is fine.) i remember being surprised because i think a lot of what that note said had been only on your mind. i felt like if only i knew we might have been able to communicate our way through to the other side.

    i wanted to be reached desperately. rescued even.

    this is all good to hear. honest.

    i won't have to live here for much longer and the good thing is that once i am gone i won't carry an ounce of any of this family hoopla. i don't care about them and i'll get my chance to walk away. till then i cope, lay low, whatever. it really only sucks bad on the weekends. i don't want to spoil the tale of seasons but let me just tell you, rosa turned out to be cra-zay.

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