8/26/09

like a mermaid

i won't even try to pretend that didn't hurt. my heart caught in my throat and i thought finally some light for this tunnel. but i won't be bitter or spew regret over trying to befriend and connect and love the only way i know how. it's a lonely road, finding strength in being true to myself. it feels like a booby prize.

i guess the boards go back on the windows and sheets to ward off the dust. people choose their orbits and life somewhere, here or there, goes on. it's so hard. i turned off my tracker cause i don't want to know anymore how long it's been since you last even looked. two days waking up to that is enough.

there is so much on the tip of my tongue but i see my thoughts about you as being a risk, a fuel to the fire. i'm not looking for a gun in my back but i must clear this one thing up in response to a few things you said to me last week. i have a wonderful woman in my life that i love more than life itself. she is beautiful, engaging, giving, intelligent, fair, sexy, adorable and interesting. you've met her so you must have glimpsed some of that. the loudest knock from your goodbye letter said something about never filling her shoes.

my point in saying this is that she's always been that way to me. she's always been her, you've always been you and never at any time did those things have much to do with one another. not when i loved you, and i did love you. not when we swept past the verge or when we reminisced or in what i thought was the process of building a meaningful and lasting relationship. there was always room. i didn't handle this very well the first year i was in new york but i didn't really know any better.

i can relate to the one you want to be with being with another. but in all seriousness you never asked me for more. for all the times you've said i awakened the sleeping spirit in you, well you've barely fought to keep me close. right up until these last few days i would have said that the month we knew each other in florida was another time. you another person. i held that month on a pedestal without really pushing myself to understand why.

looking back i can see how i have changed and how in the realm of us you've stayed pretty much the same. you want me in your life as much as i can be. that's nice but it's limiting and if we stray from a path of perfection everything implodes. the merry go round effect basically. could i have given more? yes. done it different? yes. but how and what? that's where you come in and where you've never gone. all the times i've ever put my heart in taking us to the next level it's been rebuffed. that's one big hunk of fact.

it's by design is what i realize. i'm perfect for you because i do excite you and inspire and you do the exact same thing for me. a muse for a muse, that kind of symmetry is easy to see. but i'm also safe and this i know you will never admit. i am so safe for you to fill with your wanting because oops i have a girlfriend. i am so tired of you using her as an excuse because i never have. i gave you access and opportunity and parts of myself saved special for you. sometimes i think you may be incapable of actually valuing me or what i try to offer.

god i remember you told me, go to new york. i love you but i want you to be happy. i was so amazed by that kind of sacrifice. no matter where it came from thank you because i needed the support. at the time i was so young and scared of what love would be. but that defining moment probably wasn't as true as i took it to be. from experience i now know what it feel likes to be invested in unconditionally.

that was the first major thing i trusted about you, that you were unconditionally invested in my happiness. it's why i feel so disrespected now because i followed suit. for real. it's like a bomb, a world turned upside down. the fucking irony. i love you more than you want to love me. i am invested in you more than you want to be invested in me. i've never been faking it or stringing you along. i never knew i had the option.

i'm sorry a conversation caused you to put an end to everything. it's difficult to accept that premise but i do believe that a true exchange between people can bore a great beginning so really i have no choice. the past will always be there. knowing what i feel like i do, it's actually quite insane of me to even expect this to work out. i offer creative fun and you are offended. i offer my deepest thoughts you turn combative and angry. i offer love and poetry and you hold me at a distance. maybe that makes sense to you. i dunno.

want, by the way, is something you should get away from. need. need is your key. if you intend to focus on yourself thinking about everything in terms of need instead of want is a guaranteed way to new insight and solutions.

i fail to see the reason why you won't just say i can handle this and this and not that and that. we can talk about this and this, but i would prefer if we not touch on that or that. i suspect it's because admitting you have limits would come too close to admitting other things. something like that. when i said that i understood the other day i meant that i get that you don't have a place for me in your life. the way you've been acting is the way you tell me without having to be accountable for actually telling me. i get it.

so as much as i can, i will let you rise and fade as you wish.

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