8/14/09

pavement

you tasted of a memory from the very first time. my face in a picture called you and i thought... yes! you must be mine. i'll come collect you right away. every word i read like a reminder, a path to a place previously grown. maybe you are just some kind of nostalgic terrorist. i dunno.

and it smells so achingly wonderful that i don't smell it anymore, i see it. constantly prepared to be wherever you need me. and it looks so beautiful that i've lost sight, now i'm left with my feelings. a ruby, all scratched and chafed. trenched, boiling, god damn angry.

sometimes we are so plugged into one another. thank god for weird songs from the 80's or i'd have no way to shine a light. how can you be so immobile? how can you not fight? how does the poetry proclaim so much sense under such yellowed semblance? i'm turning around and around to avoid going out the door cause i know, i've been out there before. though it's boring to just make you want me.

let me be that dude from 'pretty woman' for a second... welcome to hollywood. everybody comes to hollywood got a dream. what's your dream? what's your dream? ay mister! ay! what's your dream?

this is the moment i regret the audience of one. this is the moment of panic. i recognize the stream and my drunk ass not knowing what to do. splashing onto concrete like a fool. i'm not signing off. i'm not going to ride off into the sunset with a donkey full of forever hopeless. the grass spreads the earth in search of us but you've got that thing where your feet get stuck.

your enemy is stronger than me. and for serious, i am as strong as can be.

3 comments:

  1. my answer to this right now is http://www.sendspace.com/file/8t183j

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  2. yeah that's great but...

    i'm tempted to point out all the things the song says that don't actually apply to us. at some point the details have to matter. i get the fear of closeness but this is not the average melee. nothing that passes between us genuinely builds anything. there is nothing here but whispers about shapes the wind makes.

    anyway it's my fault. i invited you, as i actually always do.

    i want more than someone dancing with their hand on my ass hundreds miles away. i want more than pretty words about depth... i want the depth. i can't have it. that's the pavement always waiting to catch my mind.

    there is nothing i can do. god you don't even know how much that burns me. you just don't know. what you do know is how unfair it feels to be alone in reality without a half i seem in another realm. it all part of the blanket you pull around yourself.

    sorry, morality made the pavement faster than it probably would have.

    i was waiting for a moment to introduce some exciting reality until i came smack up against the realization that reality and you do not mix. i thought things had changed.

    where does this leave us?
    what do you want from me?

    if you can take nothing more than a character than tell me so i know. i'm tired of looking into a future that needs magic to become true. this is as magical as i get.

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  3. i realize there are things that don't apply. i was just thinking of the some of the things that i thought do.

    err. forget the song. i'd been listening to it all day.

    i wasnt finished responding but sometimes i can't just immediately respond as much as i'd like too. it frusterates me.

    i want to hear what you have to say and i want you to hear what i have to say its just that..

    my thoughts take time to collect and with what im feeling lately it takes more time to seek the answers. i apologize for the slowness of everything.

    my head is not clear right now, my enviroment is disrupted. i wish i could show what it looked like.

    i'm afraid that im not going to get a chance to explain myself or respond. it is hard to express or describe how i feel right now.

    im thinking about your question.. about what i want from you. i wonder what you want from me too. what your question was. i can feel your disappointment in me, real or imagined.

    it's like i don't know how to stop. its one of the worlds worst feelings. something about this always makes me feel hopeless and stuck at the bottom when its the last place i want to be. i know there is more to me, i have to believe that because i can feel it the hard part is the showing and tell of it.

    i know the tip of what i want from you is for your to be in my life. i hate it when your not here but i don't know even know how to ask you to stay. i feel like you are still so angry and i understand why. i hate triggering that.

    i feel like with me the way i am would only push you further away. you scare the shit out of me and i don't even know why or how but the weird thing is i think the scare is good because you make me think about things i've never thought about before and make me realize things and that i want to be better and worthy.

    what i want from you is you is what you are, and you wrote something like this before in a letter.. an ear, a pen, access to you, communication..

    it's not something that i see as limited or having conditions, i just want you here for as long as you can be. i want to know reality i just really need to find the first step.

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