4/21/10

testimony

i haven't been home for two days. it is hard to write away from home. i'm sure real writers don't have that problem.

there were so many plastic bags flying around yesterday. a bag stuck to a tree pretending to be a flag. a bag creeping across the pavement pretending to be a snake. bags being birds. or they could have been bombs. you can really tell what is going on till it actually happens.

there is something going on with my eyes. and there is not a word i can find to properly communicate it to anyone that matters. it is not blurry, but kind of. it is not unfocused, but almost. and the issues many not even be my eyes, could be my head. could be the material part, the emotional part. i could be crazy. i could be an unanticipated length away from death.

sometimes i don't care because there are so many other things to do... i have a new apartment to decorate, i only have two weeks off between quarters so i am constantly in school, my art, my business, that little thing called connection. but when i cannot engage with life out of sheer panic i self medicate. i take a combination of highly addictive serial television and hopeless wandering on my laptop to catch glimpses of world's i no longer belong to.

i get the whole winter/spring thing. we are very much the same in that way. for the first time in a long time winter was not a resting place for me. there was no soup or curl to speak of. all the changes took place in the low months for some reason. perhaps it was a bad plan, although it wasn't a plan if i remember correctly. one day the offenses became too much and I was like that's it. she agreed. and then we were gone. i should be having the most well timed spring in history. everything around me is new, everything around me is green, a lot of what i want is even closer than i let myself dream it could be.

so of course this it the time that the cracks start to show. and it is not as if you didn't know they were there, it's just that you have expended all leeway. now is the time to fix them and baby you've got to spend everything you own. i'm somewhere in the pawn shop trying to accept that this is their new home. trying to accept that i cannot control where or when they move on. i carry everything that has ever happened like a lump. there is just no other way to say it.

anyway, i fixed my music
and listened to yours.

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