There is a lot of change going on in my life (and lilo's) right now. So much that is feels overwhelmingly out of our control; and for the most part it is. You cannot plan the moments of birth and expiration. You cannot make time move at the speed of your whim. You certainly cannot expect cooperation and coordination from life. All I know is that you have to do what you can, when you can, while you can.
In the midst of all this stress, I find myself focusing on ways to cope and keep my emotions in check. Asking myself, if I have to face xy and z, what can I do for myself to make that easier? Perhaps this will sound like the silliest or vainest thing you ever heard, but for me that answer is cutting my hair.
I have been feeling pretty crappy about myself since I got back to the city. On paper it makes no sense. The last few months I have taken control of my bad health habits, made measurable progress on my body goals, and have generally felt empowered. But, being back in a big city lifestyle, where leaving your apartment for the day is a relatively large commitment and most people seem to exude quirky confidence, is just messing with my head.
In Nashville, I've grown used to the safe haven of my car, where I can escape to if I have some sort of social anxiety meltdown. I'm starting to hibernate my trip here away as a response to my new environment's lack of safety, and that just cannot happen. Plans of awesomeness must commence! I need a change that is drastic and positive to shock myself out of slug mode. I need portable safety.
I've never felt fulfilled as the nondescript girl. The one who is fat, but not in the cutesy chubby way or the fuck you I'm fabulous way. The one who is queer, but not in an easily understood femme or butch way. I don't aspire to be easily labeled, but I feel like in my need to keep myself from under those labels, I have missed the opportunity to decorate myself with any part of my personality. This is another thing that just cannot happen (anymore.)
Instead of taking scissors to my own head in the middle of the night, which is when this all occurred to me, I took the much more practical route. I uploaded a head shot to one of those virtual makeover sites and tried on a bazillion hairstyles. Surprisingly, I dig the above Kristen Stewart look the most. Can't stand her sullen bullshit, but love the dramatic hair. Doesn't really gel with my normal t-shirt and chucks though, so I think I am going with something like the first picture. Short, low maintenance and messy. Basically I want my head to look like a howling wolf.
So, I'm done with worrying about how a change in my hair might make me look fatter, or dyke-ier or whatever thing I don't want to be judged as. That is going to happen to me (and you) no matter what, and at least I am choosing not to bore the crap out of myself anymore. Me and my hair are gong to get down to business asap, and I cannot wait to show you how it turns out.