in reverse

I started reading a book about compassion last week, which I gotta give my gut props for. It knew I was going to need some gentle words.

I never had a big coming out moment. People in my life just kind of knew, and I did not wrestle with those typical feelings of shame or anxiety in anticipation of revealing myself. One day I brought a serious girlfriend home, no one batted an eye or treated us as abnormal, and my very close and trusted family members were completely supportive. We love you, we accept her, we are happy you are happy… for years. I lived my entire 20’s trusting these supportive actions and words. 

With the light comes the dark. 

The exact morning after DOMA goes down it is revealed to me that the people I had faith in were actually against me. While the last 10 years of my life have been filled with honesty and love, their years have been filled with disgust and the silent struggle to tolerate. That tolerance was misguided and presented as acceptance. And silencing a discomfort or confusion on this level for so long is unfair and disloyal.

So much of the trajectory of my relationships with certain people makes perfect sense now. Especially the last two years, since this is roughly how long Lis and I have been engaged. It was ok for me to be myself in one capacity, but not when the lines are becoming more clearly drawn. Mind you this was never communicated to me, and the announcement of our engagement was celebrated. Right around this time though, my closest relative started pushing me away, resulting in a mostly silent 2 year rift. There was a death in my family this week, which caused some odd communications, which brought all this glorious truth to light.

I now know what it feels like to have a sick heart, because of the hate in others. I know it derives from fear, belief in the righteousness of their religion, and environmental messages though copious amounts of fox news and the mob mentality of their other narrow minded friends. But damn. The lies. The betrayal. To know that such a major part of my life was not as evolved as I thought is so upsetting. I feel like I am 15.

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