something new

"Regrets collect like old friends

Here to relive your darkest moments

I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn"

I realized while getting this new tattoo that I only sit for ink when I am solidly in a new phase of life. When I have made a decision that can never be unchanged. When I have uncovered a part myself that now defines me stronger than ever before.

My first piece was the phrase "my own two feet" across the top of my feet. It was done in Florida with my best friend by my side. It symbolized the independence I had gained for myself by leaving home, forging ahead on my own dime without a safety net, cutting the cord between my mother and I. I knew I would never go back, never float from my center, never use another's stride when my own would do.  I chose myself.

My second piece was a random phrase within a story Lilo shared with me. When I told her I was getting this tattoo she thought I was kidding. To this day she still does not quite grasp how epic her affect on me is. "Live, love, toil with a will," was the deepest summation anyone has ever made of me, and it belonged on the base of my neck. It holds me up just as she does on my lowest days. I knew we were kindred. I chose her as my home.

My newest piece is a line from a Florence and the Machine song, but of course it is also a common proverb. I struggle with depression, being haunted by the past, mood swings, internalizing the tiniest details, and just your average tortured artist, negative thought pattern bullshit. I also have a pretty fucked up sleep disorder. This line is a reminder to myself that I will make it through my down periods. And, it celebrates my radical self love, because I am so done hating myself for my struggles. I accept that for every ebb there is a flow and vice versa, and I plan to embrace and capitalize on this natural cycle of mine to further my life.

I choose to move forward.

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